


the ride with you was worth the fall

by NightsMeridian



Series: Slivers of hope [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fix-it-fic for 3x05, I recognize the showrunners have made a decision, but since it's a stupidass decision I'm electing to ignore it, so spoilers for that episode and the stuff that leads up to it, with payoff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-20 02:40:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12423402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightsMeridian/pseuds/NightsMeridian
Summary: “Look Alex, why are you really here?”“I..” Alex stared at the floor for a long moment and Maggie could feel the dread piling up in her stomach. “I really miss you…”“Alex…” Maggie managed to whisper, voice laced with all the sorrow she had so desperately been trying to hold at bay ever since Alex had turned up at her apartment. “Don’t do this. Please,” she added as she saw Alex’s eyes fill up with unshed tears.





	the ride with you was worth the fall

**Author's Note:**

> Title shamelessly stolen from Whitney Houston's excellent: "Didn't we almost have it all" It was playing on the radio while I was driving and thinking up this story, seemed fitting in the end. All my thanks to my friend and beta Antti for his hard work. (also I promise to finish the fic I've left dangling for months now, because the show has pissed me enough to get me writing again, but I felt I had to fix the current situation first. Ironically enough that fic also deals with a breakup)
> 
> As a disclaimer: I have nothing against people who want kids, but I also feel the other way around should be respected as well. It's hard to find a way to compromise on something like that, which I acknowledge. I'm just exploring one of the options available. Anyway, enjoy and thank you for reading :)

* * *

Maggie hissed in pain as her foot got caught on one of the half unpacked boxes littering her small apartment and she only narrowly avoided face planting herself on the floor. “Fantastic,” she muttered while clutching her side with one of her hands. She hiked up her shirt and glanced down, breathing out slowly in relief when it looked like she hadn’t pulled any of her stitches. The last thing she needed was another trip to the hospital.

Sighing, she looked at the box next to her bathroom and she knew right away why she hadn’t bothered emptying its contents. It was mostly filled with books and newspaper clippings. Nothing of utmost importance to her daily life. Stuff that had been sitting there for the better part of two weeks and if it was up to her, might still be sitting there for another two.

Much like the other half a dozen boxes. 

Her new apartment was sparse and she couldn’t be bothered to try and make it look more like a place to live in. Not while everything was still so raw. Not while she could still visualize where all of her stuff had been before. How she and Alex often had small arguments and playfully bantered while compromising on where to fit Maggie’s things in their apartment.

Her throat constricted at the memory, at the thought of how this should’ve been the start of the rest of their lives. 

And even though a part of her was still stuck on that, still stuck on the thought of how she should’ve fought harder for what they had, another part of her believed it had been the right choice to make. That, ultimately, she could never stand in the way of Alex’s happiness. And she realized over the weeks of them talking about kids, while her heart slowly shattered to pieces, that Alex wanted something she could never give her. 

Irrevocably her eyes settled on the now empty spot on her finger and she felt tears welling up at the thought that they would’ve been married now. Their wedding would’ve been two days ago, though she remembered little of that day, having spend it drinking away her sorrows at the alien dive bar. It all still hurt too much, even with them splitting on good terms. Even with that last cherished night they spend together.

She almost wished it had ended badly instead. Maybe it would’ve been easier to move on. Maybe it would’ve been easier to not constantly dwell on all the things she had lost. 

All the firsts they would never have.

Sighing, she hobbled to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of painkillers from the counter. A sudden knock on the door almost had her drop it on the floor and she muttered some expletives under her breath as she tried to get her heart rate back under control.

She expected it to be one of her colleagues from the precinct. Some of her stuff had been left behind after the incident with the alien had landed her in the hospital and Hayes had mentioned it would be brought to her apartment. 

Opening the door revealed a slightly disheveled Alex Danvers however and Maggie’s stomach turned into knots.

“Alex?” She muttered, both surprised and wary about the reason for her visit.

“Hey,” Alex said, flashing her a soft barely-there smile. “Sorry for the unannounced visit but I heard about what happened and just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine,” she answered back almost automatically. She wanted to cut the conversation as short as possible. Because even with her having come across Alex a few times after they broke up, just seeing her in person made her heart ache every time. “They stitched me up pretty well. I’ll likely be on desk duty for a while, but I’m fine otherwise.”

“Good, that’s good,” Alex said, though her eyes were focused on something across Maggie’s shoulder. 

“Was there something else?”

For a moment, Alex seemed lost at the question, her misty eyes belying the sadness that lingered beneath the neutral facade plastered across her face.

“I..can I come in for a moment?”

“Alex…” Maggie sighed out. She dipped her chin to her chest and closed her eyes for a second, trying to gather her bearings. “I don’t know if…” she trailed off, noticed the way Alex was wringing her hands with apparent nervousness and realized it was always going to be hard to say no to her. “Alright, fine. I do want to try and catch some sleep soon, day’s events wiped me out.”

“Right, yeah,” Alex said and Maggie’s followed her with her eyes as she walked across the threshold and glanced across the apartment. “I promise I won’t be long.”

Closing the door, Maggie took a deep steadying breath before turning around to face Alex. Only to find she had walked towards the large windows overlooking the small balcony and the street below. One of the curtains had been moved to the side so Alex could stare outside and Maggie had no idea what to make of her behavior. 

“Alex?” 

“Yeah…” Alex turned to face her, though her eyes were still unfocused, as if her thoughts were far away instead. She must’ve noticed her wincing as she moved around the couch towards the windows, because Alex was next to her almost instantly. “You sure you’re okay? Want me to take a look at the wound?”

“I’m fine, really,” she grit out between clenched teeth. “It’ll heal.” Alex was still standing in front of her however, unmoving, eyes brimming with worry and something about it all just made Maggie lose her patience. “Look Alex, why are you really here?”

“I..” Alex stared at the floor for a long moment and Maggie could feel the dread piling up in her stomach. “I really miss you…”

“Alex…” Maggie managed to whisper, voice laced with all the sorrow she had so desperately been trying to hold at bay ever since Alex had turned up at her apartment. “Don’t do this. Please,” she added as she saw Alex’s eyes fill up with unshed tears.

“I just..”

“Don’t.” She shook her head and Alex stopped talking. 

“I’m sorry.”

Alex’s voice was small, constricted and she looked so incredibly vulnerable as they looked at each other that it was all Maggie could do to not move forward and wrap her arms around her.

“Please just...just leave Alex.” 

She didn’t care that she was almost begging Alex to leave. She couldn’t handle this right now. Couldn’t handle the thought that Alex was apparently hurting just as much as she was herself. There was no solution to this, no way to talk it out like they used to. And this was just making it so much harder to move on. 

Alex turned around a second later, eyes still wet with tears and she almost wordlessly walked back towards the door. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, just before she opened the door and left.

And the moment she did, Maggie slid down against the wall next to the door, not caring about her injury as she lifted her knees to her chest and finally allowed herself to cry.

 

* * *

  
  


Maggie frowned as she surveyed the crime scene in front of her. The occasional thunderclap coming from outside as the storm continued to rage only added to the gloominess of her surroundings. 

She didn’t really expect a case like this on her first week back. Two dead bodies, both men having drowned somehow and a weird trail of muddy water leading from the living room to the back of the house before disappearing into the backyard.

Her gut feeling told her aliens or meta-humans were involved and therefore she wasn’t at all surprised to see the DEO turn up at her crime scene. Though a part of her hoped to avoid Alex just a little longer. Especially after she had left Alex’s instant messages to her unanswered. 

“Detective,” Alex greeted her curtly and Maggie schooled her features into a neutral expression. 

“I assume you’re taking over.”

Alex nodded. “We already have a suspect, since these aren’t the first victims.” Then she glanced around for a moment before stepping a little closer, voice lowering, “I didn’t expect you to be back in the field so soon.”

She bristled at the comment and glared at Alex. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She queried as she folded her arms across her chest. 

“What?” To her credit Alex actually seemed a little surprised at her response and Maggie wondered if she had been a little too harsh with it. “I just..you didn’t answer my messages and you had an alien almost claw through your insides a few weeks ago.” After a moment of silence Alex rubbed at her forehead and sighed. “Look we might not be…together anymore. But I can still be worried about you.”

“I didn’t answer your messages because I’d like to be left alone for a while Alex,” she hissed, “what part of that is so hard to understand? You might have your friends and family to deal with this, but I don’t and I need my time and space.” 

Alex was just staring at her, looking both sad and guilty and Maggie sighed in response. It wasn’t really her fault that she was left with nothing again. Left with an empty, cold apartment and countless nights spent at the alien bar drinking and talking to alien acquaintances. At least Alex hadn’t appeared there as often and Maggie was thankful for that. She already saw Alex too much as it was and it made her thoughts once again stray towards moving back to Gotham.

“I...okay fine,” Alex muttered, a flicker of hurt passing across her face before she was all business again. “Detective…” she inclined her head, then spun around and gave orders to some of the DEO personnel standing close to a black van near the entrance of the house.

She stared after Alex for a while and thought about the first time they had met. The tension that had filled the air as they faced off over the jurisdiction of the crime scene. She had been drawn towards Alex Danvers since the second she first laid eyes on her, and even now she couldn’t stop thinking about her. Couldn’t stop thinking about the happier moments they had together. About the plans they had been making for the future.

She had allowed herself to grow so attached. Had fallen so deeply. And no matter how they had decided to mutually go their own ways, she still couldn’t let go of all the could’ve been’s.

They would’ve been married for exactly three weeks now.

Stealing one last glance Alex’s way she walked back out of the back door. 

She needed an extra strong drink once she got home.

 

* * *

  
  


The bar was rowdy tonight. Some new alien arrivals that she hadn’t ever seen before. She recognized the species vaguely, but didn’t pay too much attention to them. As long as they didn’t start any bar brawls she couldn’t care less.

One of the aliens almost got knocked into her glass of beer sitting precariously at the edge of the pool table but since she hadn’t touched it in nearly an hour, she didn’t think it would be too big of a loss. Though if it spilled all over her pool table they had another thing coming. Especially since her current game had gone well. Even though she was once again just playing against herself for practice. 

Various aliens and humans had approached her throughout the night and asked if she wanted to shoot some pool with them, but she had declined each and every one of them. Even the one blonde woman that hadn’t bothered masking the way she raked her eyes up and down her body as she approached Maggie. 

Once upon a time she might’ve been interested in some quick fun romp in the sack. But her heart still wasn’t in it. So she had politely declined and ignored the flirtations otherwise. All she wanted was the familiarity of the pool cue in her hands, the low hum of the people talking amongst themselves in the bar, the clinking of glasses together. It felt more like home than her apartment these days and she spend nearly all of her time there or working late at the precinct. 

And even though she had seen Alex earlier that day, it hadn’t been more than a brief shared look before they had both gone their separate ways at the new crime scene. She hadn’t even bothered trying to dispute who should have jurisdiction over it even if there hadn’t been enough evidence of alien involvement. But if it meant she got to cut her interactions with Alex short, the decision to give in and hand over the case to the DEO seemed a relatively easy one to make.

The messages had stopped otherwise. And Alex hadn’t visited her again. 

It should feel like a relief to her but somehow it just felt like another loss.

She pocketed a striped ball in the far corner and smiled to herself, reaching for the beer glass for a moment to celebrate a nearly flawless game, before thinking better of it. Her nose wrinkled as she eyed the stale beer. Ordering another beer she contemplated following it up with something stronger. It wasn’t as if she was on duty for the rest of the night and she had walked to the bar for a reason. Even though she had learned to pace herself, since the killer hangovers and their effect on her work the first week and a half after the breakup with Alex had gotten her a few raised eyebrows at work.

She walked back towards the pool table, satisfied no one had tried to steal it while she had been gone. From the corners of her eyes she registered a group of people entering the bar as she chalked up her cue, but she didn’t really pick out Alex until a few seconds later as she walked towards the bartender to order something. A brunette Maggie didn’t recognize was walking next to her and they seemed to be engaged in conversation. And then she laughed and slung an arm across Alex’s shoulders and Maggie could feel the bottom drop out from her stomach.

Of course Alex was moving on, she had every right to after all. It didn’t mean it hurt any less however and Maggie placed the cue on top of the table, eyes stinging with tears. Her heart clenched almost painfully in her chest and she knew she couldn’t stay there and watch Alex be with someone else. 

She also knew she would be spotted the moment she walked past Alex and the woman she was with, but the heart-rending ache she was feeling upon watching them together was overriding any embarrassment over fleeing the bar like this.

She was quick in grabbing her jacket but apparently not quick enough as she caught her name being called out a few times over the noise of the bar.

“Maggie!” 

The door behind her didn’t even have the chance to slam shut and she sighed and turned around, trying to steel herself as she faced Alex.

“Hey…” Alex said, taking a few steps towards where she was standing, “I uhm..you didn’t have to leave you know? Just because…”

“No, it’s fine,” she lied, “I was about to head home anyway.”

“Is that why you practically stormed out of the bar?”  

She figured Alex didn’t mean for it come out so accusatory but it still made her square her jaw in annoyance. “Look Alex..”

“No,” Alex interrupted her, closing the distance between them until they were face to face. The light from a nearby flashing orange neon sign almost made it seem like Alex’s eyes danced along with it and Maggie had difficulties keeping herself composed. She wondered if there would ever be a time when Alex would not affect her as she did.

“You said we would at least be friends, remember?” Alex started, her eyes softening and her throat bobbing clearly as she swallowed repeatedly. “That we could still hang out sometimes, even if… But everything is just weird right now Maggie and I don’t understand why.”   
  
“Alex…”

“No, I know you...you mentioned time and space, and I’ve given you that, I’d be willing to give you more of it if you need it. But I meant what I said the other day, I miss you. I miss everything we did together, like hanging out in this dive bar and playing pool. Or just grabbing lunch together every now and then…”

Maggie swallowed as she stared at Alex, as every word she spoke seemed to dismantle what little defenses she had managed to build up in the wake of their breakup. 

“I do miss that too,” she confessed after the silence had lingered on and she found she could no longer deny that particular truth. “I just.. everything…everything’s different now Alex. I don’t know if I could do that anymore, I don’t even know if we should.”

For a moment Alex looked devastated and Maggie was reminded of that moment after Alex had first kissed her. The moment she watched Alex crumble in front of her after she had tried to let her down gently. 

She watched as Alex pieced herself back together and then clear her throat, flashing her the hints of a smile. “I do understand that,” she whispered, voice trembling ever so slightly. “I just don’t want to make things more difficult. I don’t want to have you leave the alien bar just because we’re both there. So if you want me to stop coming here, I’m okay with that.”

“That’s not what I want.” 

The words rolled across her lips before she could stop them and almost immediately she regretted it. It was too close to a truth she had been vehemently trying to deny since they had gone their separate ways. What she wanted was to go back in time and for none of this to ever happen. What she wanted was the happiness she had for just over a year, before it all came crashing down on her. What she wanted was to no longer feel her heart break every time she was alone in a room with Alex.

“I…” She glanced up and into Alex’s eyes, “I’ll be fine with…” she waved her hands around to motion towards their surroundings, “all this, eventually.” She’d done it before after all. “And maybe at least the lunch you were offering might be something we can do later this week.”

Alex’s eyebrows hiked up in her hairline and her lips curved into a slightly amused smile. “Offering hm? Is that a veiled way to get me to pay for said lunch?” She queried and Maggie felt some of the tension between them slip away. 

“You were the one that brought it up, seems only fair,” Maggie shot back.

Alex’s mouth opened to retort, but then she closed it again and the smile on her face became bigger. “Alright, fine, it’s a deal. You can text me the details for whenever works for you.”

Nodding, she saw Alex glance at the bar’s entrance and back at her again, seemingly hesitating with whatever she wanted to say. 

“You uhm..”

“Not right now,” she said while turning to face the street. 

It wasn’t hard to deduce Alex was about to ask her to join the group inside. But her emotions had already gone through a serious wringer tonight and she couldn’t mingle and pretend how everything was all fine especially because she still had no idea how close Alex was with the unknown woman at the bar. And there was too much pent up inside of her. She needed to lose her cool without anyone being there to witness it.

“Okay, I’m gonna go back inside before Kara sends out a search party.”

“Alright.” She watched as Alex walked back to the bar, “I’ll text you tomorrow.”

“Looking forward to it,” Alex called out, offering one last smile over her shoulder before disappearing back into the crowded bar.

Maggie sighed and wrapped her arms around herself as she walked back to the apartment that felt like anything but home. 

They would’ve been married for almost 2 months now.

 

* * *

  
  


She doesn’t really know what to expect from their lunch together. Or at the very least she expected it to be awkward. Surprisingly it was anything but. Maggie figured it was partially because so far they had avoided the more personal topics and had mostly focused on discussing the latest cases they had worked on and things going on at their respective workplaces.

Alex’s eyes were sparkling as she relegated a story of how Kara as Supergirl had landed into a vat of green jello as she bursted through a window to apprehend some criminals. 

“She was still fishing green goop out of her hair 3 days later,” Alex said, chuckling as she finished the story.

“Still not looking before she leaps huh?” Maggie remarked with a smile. “Sounds like Kara alright.”

“I heard things went better when it comes to interactions with the NCPD though?”

“That’s true,” Maggie conceded. “She at least comes to us and follows our directions before putting sSupergirl sized holes into buildings. And she saved two of my colleagues sorry asses the other day.”

“The Levornian?”

Maggie nodded as she blew across the steaming mug of coffee in her hands. “I’m glad that guy’s off the streets to be honest.”

“Yeah, me too...” Alex trailed off, eyes flicking to some people passing by on the streets.

Maggie noticed how her fingers nervously traced the rim of her own cup of coffee and she saw Alex’s demeanor change. She recognized the signs of her building up to something and she wasn’t surprised to find warm brown eyes catch her own a few seconds later.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah…” Maggie said softly after sipping from her coffee. It was nice and familiar and she didn’t want to dwell on what it might mean that she could still find herself so comfortable in Alex’s presence. Nor how she’d feel again when she went back to her empty apartment. 

“It’s a start isn’t it?”

“It’s a start.”

 

* * *

  
  


Maggie watched the total chaos all around her while her heart was trying to beat out of her chest. Smoke obscured her vision wherever she looked and she wasn’t even sure if she was going in the right direction. 

Every now and then she heard a whooshing sound and saw a streak of blue and red zip across the skies and she knew that Supergirl was working hard to bring everybody to safety. As far as she knew there hadn’t been any casualties. At least no one beyond the two aliens the DEO had been attempting to track down for days.

She knew Alex’s team had been close to finding their position just before the infected aliens had decided to blow themselves up. Something no one had seen coming, despite how their behavior had deteriorated. 

Maggie knew she had to help the remaining civilians get to safety but all she was able to think of was that Alex had been close to building the aliens had hid in. One moment she had seen the team get into position and the next a shockwave had thrown her to the ground and left her ears ringing.

A trickle of blood was running from her hairline across her cheeks but she paid it no mind and continued her way to Alex’s last known position. 

She saw three men in black gear check themselves over and stumbling towards the van tossed on its side a short distance away and called out to them. 

“Is Agent Danvers okay?” she queried, even though she didn’t recognize any of their faces and had no idea if they would even respond to her.

“She is,” a voice behind her piped up and Maggie whirled around to see a dust-covered and slightly dejected looking Supergirl landing next to her. “Walls took the brunt of the explosion and no one got seriously injured, other than a few broken bones.”

Maggie let out a long breath in relief and sat down on a slab of concrete. “One moment she was there and the next she was gone,” she said as Supergirl walked up to her. “I thought…”

“Yeah,” Kara said as she patted some dust from her suit, “I was calling her name all throughout my flight here. There was a fire at the other side of the town that had me occupied. I heard the explosion even there and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wasn’t there to protect Alex. I thought the aliens were harmless, that the team would be just fine apprehending them.”

“Cadmus most likely messed with their minds. I figure you saw the camera footage, they seemed completely unhinged and in incredible amounts of pain.”

“I didn’t think they’d blown themselves up,” Kara said, her eyes drifting towards the collapsed building in front of them.

“Me neither. But I guess they didn’t want Cadmus to get their hands on them again. Maybe they saw this as their only way to escape.”

A flicker of anger flashed across Kara’s face before it was gone again and she sighed, arms folded across her chest. “At least we’re getting closer to finding their main base. And since I’m not allowed to throw them into the sun, the jail will have to do.”

Maggie smiled, “when you do find them just give me a heads up, I wouldn’t wanna miss it.”

Supergirl nodded before frowning, “I gotta go, talk to you later Detective.”

She lifted off and Maggie watched her fly away before rolling her shoulders and walking over to help her colleagues, who were cordoning off the area surrounding the destroyed building. She still wished she could’ve seen for herself that Alex was okay and the thought of what could’ve happened to her wouldn’t leave her mind the rest of the day.  
  
  


* * *

 

The call came late that night, just as she was about to settle in on her couch for an evening of mindless tv. The caller ID made her frown for a second before worry overrode her initial surprise and she quickly hit the answer button.

“Kara?” She questioned right away, her heart rate accelerating at the thought of why she was calling at this time of the night. “Something wrong with Alex?”

“No...at least not physically,” Kara answered softly, though Maggie immediately picked up on the worry shining through in her tone of voice. “I think she took what happened today pretty hard though. She was the first person in the building after those aliens blew themselves up. She saw…” Kara sighed and Maggie felt a lump settle in her throat. “She’d been trying so hard to find them, she was convinced she could help them and fix whatever Cadmus had done to them. And I saw how she was struggling when we got back to the DEO even if she was trying not to show it.”

“She wouldn’t be Alex if she didn’t find some way to blame herself, even if there was likely nothing she could’ve done about this,” Maggie said softly, trying not to think of all the times in the past when Alex had been devastated about something and closed herself off for the world to process it in silence.

“Yeah…” Kara hesitated for a second before sighing once more, “I know I shouldn’t really ask this of you but could you check up on her for me? She won’t respond to my messages and I’ll be stuck with tracking down some info about Cadmus for a few hours more. I need to know she’s okay and you know how she gets, she shouldn’t be alone when she’s like this.”

“I know,” she answered after taking a deep breath, “and it’s fine, I can stop by at her place, keep her company until you get back.”

“I would appreciate that, thank you.”

“Off course,” Maggie said, after which she said her goodbye and hurried to grab her jacket and keys and rushed out of the door.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Alex?” She called out for the second time, raising her voice ever so slightly, though hopefully not enough to anger the neighbors. “I know you’re in there. Kara is worried sick about you because you aren’t answering her messages.” All that greeted her was silence and Maggie growled and muttered some expletives under her breath. “Look, I just want to know if you’re okay. I know what happened today, so if you just want to talk or vent, I’m here for you, okay?”

For a moment nothing happened, but then Maggie heard some muffled sounds coming from behind the door. When it opened Alex was standing in front of her and Maggie found herself speechless at the sight that greeted her. Alex’s eyes were red rimmed and puffy and she was easily able to make out the dampness of her cheeks, the barely dried tear tracks.

“Hey,” Maggie croaked out, her heart breaking at the devastated expression etched across Alex’s features. “I’m sorry about today.”

“Yeah…” Alex whispered and stepped aside to let Maggie in. ”It’s my fault,” she spoke up as she walked to the open doors leading to the balcony. “I should’ve worked harder on finding them. You know one of them was barely in his teens. And there was nothing left of him but streaks of blood across the walls. I should’ve...” 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Maggie whispered, following after Alex. “I know you, you always do everything you can to help people. Sometimes things like this happen Alex and there’s nothing you can do. The real culprit here is Cadmus.”

“I know,” Alex uttered on a soft tone, eyes shining along with the lantern hanging from the wall as she met Maggie’s own for a moment. She was silent for a while and Maggie leaned against the wall behind Alex, knowing from experience that all Alex needed sometimes was a listening ear.

“I saw him a few days ago. Just a glimpse, but I saw him, and then he was gone,” Alex continued. 

Maggie saw Alex grip the railing of the balcony tight enough to make her knuckles go white. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Maggie repeated. “You know about the story I told you, the little boy I couldn’t save,” she whispered, feeling her throat constrict at the memories the words evoked in her. “I still think about him sometimes, but I’ve come to terms that there wasn’t anything that I could’ve done to prevent him from dying.”

Alex let go of the railing, turning to face her and Maggie swallowed at the intensity of her gaze. 

“Yeah...” Alex said after a moment of silence, “I remember, and I know it’s gonna take time to get rid of the images in my head.” She sighed, eyes flicking to the street below, “Thank you for coming by the way, I assume Kara asked you to?”

“Yeah, she had to track down some tips about Cadmus. I figure she might come to scold you for not answering her messages any moment now though,” Maggie joked in an attempt to divert away from the intensity of the moment between them.

Alex snorted, “hm, I should have enough leftover pizza from yesterday to bribe her with.”

Chuckling, Maggie stole a glance at Alex, relieved to see she looked a little lighter than before, as if a burden had been lifted. “Want me to stay a little longer?”

“Yeah, if that’s okay with you?”

Maggie nodded and felt her stomach do a flip at the smile Alex flashed her. She tried hard not to think of the fact that she hadn’t set foot in this apartment for months now. That the last time she had, they had made love for one last time in the bed just a few feet away. How they had kissed one last time before she had left, the love she felt threatening to spill across her lips even as she had crossed the threshold without looking back.

“You want something? I was gonna make some coffee earlier.”

“Uhm, yeah coffee’s fine,” Maggie responded. 

She rubbed at her forehead as if that would erase the onslaught of memories that had assaulted her. Maybe that was why she preferred to stay outside on the balcony, even though Alex had raised an eyebrow when she had inquired if she wanted to go sit down on the couch instead. Less chance of remembering the moments they had inside of the apartment. 

They stood in silence for a while, sipping their coffees and eventually Maggie settled down on the blanket Alex had brought outside, both of them staring up at the sky in thought.

“You ever think about soulmates,” Alex spoke up after some minutes had passed and Maggie blinked in confusion.

“What brought this on?” She wondered with slight apprehension of where the conversation was heading.

“Everything,” Alex answered simply without looking at her. “I used to make fun of it you know? But Kara believed in it. Kryptonian culture actually had a concept very similar to it so she strongly believed, and still believes that sometimes there’s people that meet each other and they are meant to be together forever.”

Maggie swallowed thickly, watching as Alex stirred the spoon in her mug of coffee, seemingly lost in thought. 

“When I first met you, I felt something right away,” Alex continued and Maggie tightened the grip she had on her own mug of coffee, unsure if she should put a stop to whatever Alex was about to confess.

“I guess a spark,” Alex chuckled, “I thought that was ridiculous before it happened as well. But something about you just evoked something within me. I guess I didn’t really realize what this was until months later.” Alex shook her head and smiled softly, though she still wasn’t looking in Maggie’s direction. “God, I really was oblivious wasn’t I?” 

Alex turned her head and Maggie tried to suppress a gasp when they locked eyes. The tension between them was back as if it never left and she knew she had to get up and excuse herself before either one of them did something they would regret later. 

“I still feel that, that spark,” Alex confessed. “I tried a date or two, but it’s just not the same Maggie. Because when I’m with you like this all I can think about is what we had. All I can feel is that spark and I don’t think time or distance will ever change that. If there is such a thing as soulmates..”

“Alex,” Maggie finally interrupted, voice trembling far more than she would’ve liked. “You can’t,” she whispered softly, tears welling up in her eyes unbidden. “We can’t. You know why. It wouldn’t work. We want different things, we…”

“I love you,” Alex said simply and Maggie felt her heart clenching.

“And I love you,” Maggie replied, because there was no point in denying that fact when it was obvious if Alex just looked at her. “But it’s not that simple. We..”

“It could be,” Alex tried.

Maggie shook her head and after placing down her mug stood up from her position on the blanket. “We want different things Alex.” A tear slipped across one of her cheeks and she wiped it away quickly, trying to compose herself. “We can’t keep doing this,” she said softly, “we just can’t, it’s not fair to either one of us.” 

“Maggie please..” Alex whispered and it took every last bit of her emotional reserves for Maggie to not turn around and face her. Because she knew if she did then it would break her, it would make her give in to something she knew they would both regret in the morning.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, even as more tears ran down her cheeks. 

The closing of the door seemed to echo around her ears as she stumbled through the hallway, barely seeing the floor through the blur of tears obscuring her vision.

They would’ve been married for 5 months now.

 

* * *

  
  


The text appeared on her phone out of nowhere, in the middle of the day, while she was circling something in one of the dossiers piled on her desk. She almost knocked over her coffee as she read it.

Pinching the bridge of her nose she thought about ignoring Alex’s odd request to meet her at the harbor later that day. She kept staring at the message as if that would reveal further details and was surprised when it was followed up by a shorter one. A simple ‘please’ that somehow slipped right past all of her defenses and made her give in to the request even though she knew she should know better by now.

She had been doing so well for weeks now, keeping Alex at an arm’s length. Their interactions once more limited to strictly job-related ones.

But her eyes kept flicking over the single ‘please’ and she could already feel herself give in to Alex’s request. If only because it reminded her of that moment in Alex’s apartment. The same softly uttered please that still broke her heart whenever she thought about it.

She texted Alex back, asking what time she wanted to meet up, before she could think better of it. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Why are we here Danvers?” Maggie questioned while wrapping her arms around herself as Alex approached her.

“Because there’s some things I need to tell you.”

Maggie opened her mouth to reply but Alex held up a hand to stop her.

“I know, I remember every single word you said to me. But this is different,” Alex said softly while she glanced at the docked ship behind them. 

Sighing, Maggie followed after Alex as she slowly started walking. The sky above them was painted a light orange, the sun having just gone under and Maggie could feel the slight chilliness of the impending nightfall threatening to permeate her leather jacket.

“Why the harbor?” she inquired when after some seconds of walking Alex had remained silent.

“I don’t know actually. It seemed like neutral ground? And it’s not as crowded this time of the day.” Alex glanced her way, biting her lip before casting her eyes to the ground. “It’s also where I kind of came out to Kara. I suppose I’ve come to associate it with a place to center my thoughts these days. Process things.”

“I see..” Maggie muttered, while avoiding the way Alex tried to catch her eyes. She hesitated for a moment before scraping her throat. Though before she was able to inquire once more about the purpose of their meeting, Alex beat her to it.

“I know you’re wondering why I asked you to meet me here. I’ve been trying to practice what I was going to tell you, but I just don’t know where to start.”

They arrived at a small wooden fence that blocked off a pier and Alex walked up to it, leaning her forearms on it as she stared out across the sea. “Maybe with how I haven’t really changed my mind. About having kids, I mean,” Alex clarified. “And I would never expect you to change yours. But I’ve thought about this for weeks, for months. I’ve talked to Kara, my mom, to some friends. And I can’t see it happening in my future, if ever.”

Maggie pushed her hands into the pockets of her jacket as she stared at Alex, unsure for a moment of how to reply.

“And that’s not even the point, you know?” She continued, head turning until soft brown eyes met Maggie’s own. “I want to have kids, but not if it means losing you. It’s not even a choice I’ve made, it’s not a change of heart, I just can’t lose you. No more than I already have,” Alex whispered as she fully turned around and faced her.

“Alex…”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Alex murmured while she reached out with one of her hands and Maggie closed her eyes, lips trembling as Alex stroked a thumb along her jaw. 

“It’s something I’ve been mulling over for months. We both could die at any moment Maggie, and I’ve made my peace with that. I’ve made my peace with the fact that there comes a time where Kara might be too slow to save me, or one bullet too many might slip past my vest. And even though I wouldn’t mind raising a child, it’s not something that would even be possible considering the job I have.”

“And what if you change your mind in the future, Alex?” Maggie queried softly, “we get back together and then somewhere along the line you still decide you want to have a child.”

Alex shook her head and Maggie swallowed when both of Alex’s hands enveloped her face, fingers splaying across her cheeks as she pressed their foreheads together. 

“I thought about it for months, Maggie. I’ve missed you every second. This isn’t a spur of the moment decision. I should never have let you go like that, I should never have agreed to that break-up. I know we both decided it was for the best, but I wish I would’ve fought harder.”

“Alex…” Maggie murmured again, her throat constricted with welled up tears. She opened her eyes and stared at Alex for a long moment before she glanced down at her lips. 

She wasn’t surprised when Alex met her halfway, their lips meeting in a sweet lingering kiss before they parted again.

“We still need to talk more,” Maggie spoke up after they had stood in each other’s embrace for a few minutes, staring out at the sea as the sky turned darker above them.

“I know. I don’t expect things to be fixed between us instantly,” Alex said and Maggie sighed when Alex’s arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her back against her chest.

“But you’re right about what you said,” Maggie conceded after a few more seconds of thinking over the things Alex had told her. “We both should’ve fought harder. 

“There’s a lot of things we should’ve done differently,” Alex said while she leaned her head against Maggie’s for a moment. “And I’m sorry...about all of this…”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. We’ve both been miserable for months.” 

Maggie freed herself from Alex’s arms and turned around, eyes flitting across Alex’s face. Stepping closer she cupped Alex’s chin and leaned up to kiss Alex, flicking her tongue across soft lips for a moment before breaking apart.

“Hmm,” Alex murmured, “I did miss that too.” She shivered slightly and pulled at her jacket. “But I guess we should continue this somewhere warmer, someplace that has food at least. Maybe talk some more?”

“Only if you’re paying for dinner.”

Snorting Alex shook her head and turned back to the way they had came from. “Of course I am.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I decided to leave out the original ending of the fic because it didn't fit with the tone I had set. But originally I planned to fast forward a year into the future after Alex and Maggie had the biggest gayest wedding NC had ever seen, and conclude it with a mention that it had been 10 minutes since they had married (to go with the overall theme of the fic)
> 
> I also took some liberties with the harbor location as well as the soulmate reference when it comes to Kryptonian culture.


End file.
